As a kid, I remember taking great pride in being happy. It was a powerful weapon, a shield to protect myself, a way to connect with others and to fit societal expectations. To be validated by everyone, there was an unspoken agreement that happy kids are brighter, more charming and easy to be around.
Only when we grow up do we realise that we don’t really know how to deal with our sadness and misery. The relationship with oneself starts to feel difficult, and we are tired of our complexities. Whenever we seek comfort, we are told, “Everything will be alright.” That rarely helps in addressing the losses and the frustration that we experience. Sometimes things do not get better, no matter how much we try. They turn much worse, and there’s no going back from it. No amount of optimistic spin can pull us out of that space. We do not wish to admit our suffering, as this is not the future our younger self envisioned. We are daunted by questions like, “What is healthy love?”, “How do we move on?”, “How to maintain a work-life balance?”, “What is the true meaning of our existence?”, “Are we understood?”
Sociologist Corey Keyes first used the term "languishing" in 2010 after noticing that many people who weren't depressed also weren't thriving. Languishing was observed to be the most dominant emotion during the pandemic as a feeling of emptiness, and stagnation. You are stumbling through each day while viewing your life through a foggy windscreen. According to his research, those who currently exhibit these symptoms aren't the ones who are most likely to develop major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders in the ensuing ten years. They’re the people who are currently languishing.
We assess ourselves and others according to capitalist metrics of ‘success’, ‘failure’ and ‘productivity’, but who sets these standards?
What are the things you’ve told yourself you must do to be seen as worthy of love and life? How did you ask yourself to be ‘better than’ others? How did you convince yourself to be ‘on top’ of the ladder?
Modern society values ‘self-love’ only because it benefits from it. The toxic positivity behind it encourages us to erase our feelings and bury the negative emotions. Unfortunately, we all perform in this or are made to because it’s easier to conform than question the status quo. The facade of happiness drives us away from feeling our genuine emotions, feeling safe, and being connected.
In one of the classes, my professor remarked, “Your generation is far more existential, and I love that about you guys!” In contemporary times, the capitalist structures pit us against each other, where competition is valued. Our misery is seen from an individualistic lens when the focus should also be on collective healing. Fighting oppressive systems that drive us away from genuinely feeling our emotions is essential for our liberation.
Lessons our misery teaches us
Sometimes things don’t work in our favour. It’s unfortunate, but they are not meant to.
Being a perfectionist and constantly chasing an ideal future is a recipe for heartbreak. We are socialised to attain the ‘ideals’ which are not accurate measures of success.
No matter how much we try to perfect the art of healthy relationships, our loved ones would still indeed cause a certain extent of misery. We need to foster spaces of reciprocity where the narrative is “I love you, and I know you’ll hurt me sometimes. We’ll hold each other accountable.”
Our lives are increasingly becoming complex and yet inextricably linked. We need each other for social support and to move ahead.
We don’t need to run away from difficult conversations and negative emotions. At the end of the day, they make us a little more human.
Our feelings don’t deserve permanent labels and should neither be perceived as black nor white. We operate in greys because of our complexities.
You have permission to be miserable and vulnerable as you navigate society’s expectations and unlearn the conditioning. As Alain de Botton rightly said,
“Your sense of loss and disappointment, of frustrated hopes and grief at your own inadequacy, elevate you to serious company. Do not ignore or throw away your grief.”
Comments